I’ve been investigating the topic of religion, somewhat intensively, for about a year now. I was brought up Roman Catholic but parted when I was about thirteen due to repeated experiences with the discord between the actual and declared intentions of its practitioners. This incongruence seemed to intensify the more I questioned it so I left it alone for a while considering myself mostly atheistic or, at least, not monotheistic. Read the rest of this post or comment »

I didn't tie my boots all night. 13 degrees. it's so-o satisfying to flick a cigarette. clove and porter.
Alcohol is a social lubricant - better, it's a social celebrant.
huv

personal theory of psychology

I got a job through craigslist. He needed his home networked. $150. Out in Palmer 20 miles to 20 miles from. i biked there. The summer busses are few. Up and down hill, through three towns. Cows, bulls, ponies, geese, creeks, bridges, old farm houses, and lots of trees. Beauty. Got home feeling richly exhausted. Jenna got some good goods from the Whole Foods. Wine, sirloin, chocolate, olives.
I rode past a church: Read the rest of this post or comment »

we met with ben at around 10:30. we biked out 17 miles to leeds to a dam. swam. rode back. 29 mi.

we all have intuitive vicera -- we just don't always listen to the rumblings

something about the musical conversation.... I duno. I was talking with jenna about something about the musical conversation and how one must reach past the obstacle that's the instrument to achieve fluency in the musical conversation. i forgot now

Throughout most of my adolescence I suffered one social neurosis that overwhelmed the others. The most ironic of social neuroses, I was spiritually allergic to pot. Not so much to smoking it but to being around those that smoked it. I would flee in panic if my evening buddy would indulge. I'd argue with countless stoners as to the negative effects of weed on their lives - the subtle silent rape of ambition, efficiency, passion, etc... All would respond with lukewarm justifications like, "I'm still functional; I go to work, I pass my classes in school. Read the rest of this post or comment »

• business up and efficient
• get into a school
• consider potential role in revival of Diario.
• Philanthropy

Jenna and I are driving. We both really have to pee so we stop at a familiar Indian restaurant. For some reason we feel we should pee in the bushes on either side of the restaurant. I do my business and start walking back to the car. I hear jenna for a moment but then I stand there waiting for her. Minutes pass, I begin to fret, then I hear her speaking to someone. I approach the conversation and she appears with a hefty Indian but she's half naked. Her clothes -? only her panties and she's shielding her boobs. Read the rest of this post or comment »

There's a scab on my scalp. I've been kicking this dead horse again. - "what's wrong with me?,""why am I not___" Am I simply reacting. Am I that sensitive and susceptible? Isn't the goal to be sensitive yet impermeable, strong and responsive? My grandpa is 84, active and ambitious. I can't even get myself to work.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

NY-waiting for the papers to come through for an apartment in Amherst,MA.

Civilization is simply a beautiful expression of suffering (and nothing more.)

Civilization is simply a beautiful expression of suffering (and nothing more.)

I suddenly feel clear and ok. I've been packing all day, moving furniture, consolidating boxes, etc. Somehow i feel free of worry, need for comparison, lack of confidence, stress, overwhelm, resentment, fear, urgency, weakness, mistake, shortcoming, .............
not sure what i did right.

-;m

I was instructed to write a few good things about myself.

I:

• am good looking and healthy
• am personable, charming, and socially fluent
• am loving, caring, and respectful
• am intelligent, erudite, and willing and eager to teach
• am sharp, focused, and witty
• am endlessly patient and calm (when not over-disturbed)
• have a great capacity for rendering my emotions & thoughts through different media
• seek to make others healthy, happy, and rejoiceful.
• put the happiness of others, sometimes, above my own
Read the rest of this post or comment »

it takes time for me to break out of the city funk. Usually about two and a half days.

It's friday. I just spent the week in the keys. Tuesday I met up with a pair of botanists at Fairchild Tropical Gardens. We drove to Key Largo. On a private property, we were to locate a population of endangered cactii - Pilosocereus robinii (http://www.fws.gov/southeast/vbpdfs/species/plants/piro.pdf) We located several of the cactii, tagged each and collected vital data and global coordinates (GPS.) We were three. The researcher - Joie, a volunteer graduate student botanist - Bret, and I. He was very boastful about his extensive knowledge of plants, species, and scientific procedure often shaming the host. I made sure to query his vanity in order to learn a few things - much about plants, native and non- native floridian species and why not to boast knowledge and use it as a platform of supersession. When the day was over we ate lousy fish, drank beer, and shared knowledge and suspicions of global environmental and societal catastrophy. Jenna met with us later. Read the rest of this post or comment »

I’ve been protecting my volition, never quite letting it mature to a vocation. I’ve been terrified of commiting myself so absolutely and so exclusively to finding meaning in one, single thing when I am aware that existance itself is arbitrary. I feel that I have a world sense and a worldly sensitivity that may be dampered, muted, or lost in specialization, though it seems I have to specialize in order to continue expanding my universe. I don’t quite understand it but somehow it’s a bad thing or, at least, impractical to be bountiful in capacity, prerogative, and pursuit. I do feel tired and disorganized, though. I hesitate and overplan - I’ve been waiting for the conditions to be suitible for all my pursuits to harmonize in a genius chord. But I forget… I must eat. I’ve chosen the city. I feel compelled by the prospect of enlightening others and freeing them from this covert prison. I’ve allowed the idea of responsibility to pervert my clarity. Read the rest of this post or comment »

I would like to take a tour of some facillities like landfills, water treatment plants, jails, etc... maybe fieldtrips