rant

I am too careful with my heart and neurotic with my sex. I still hold vestiges of crippling sexual guilt that burden my passion. Though I know now that the love in the heart is inexpendable, as I am just a conduit of the stuff, I am careful with connecting to others. I fear their mismanagement of my love. But it is not my love. If I’m just conducting love from its limitless source what the hell should I care what others do with it. If they mishandle it, it’ll just find ground like an electrical current – no filament will be lit. But if they conduct it with me, in a series circuit, both filaments will light and the surrounding environ will be revealed.
Sex is a device, an act of coupling this current. It manifests the circuit creating a single filament capable of incomprehensible luminance. Perhaps I fear this light. I look at the sun and I fear blindness.
I think that I should cultivate my sexual energy by harmonizing with someone. I assume that much practice should occur before harmony is fluent. I refer to spending time with someone harmonizing in conversation, movement, patience, accord, … But what if I detect a harmony right off? What if there is no need for slow cultivation with a certain partner as both are already rhythmic or syncopating? Why should I temper that?

When I’ve “given love” I’ve often only been investing interest and germinating a fear for losing my investment. My “love” has really just been a vice of selfish desire to receive and maintain ‘love’ from someone else. It’s not my love to give, not my love to hold. I am not a vessel but a conductor awaiting an impulse to conduct with as little resistance as possible, like gold in an electrical circuit. I am not responsible for generating or maintaining nor amplifying the spark; just properly conducting it.
So what do I fear in my engagement with others?
I must resolve with this force and respect it’s autonomy. I must renounce any responsibility for it’s cultivation. I must only concern myself with the maintenance of my own being as a conduit of low resistance, a filament. As a good conductor I must be careful not to “shock” others if they are not ready, and careful not to be shocked if I am not ready – I must exercise good electrical etiquette.
I mustn’t fear the end of love for there is not end, just change in form. Read the rest of this post or comment »

There is nothing but there is something. Something emerges from nothing. Form emerges from chaos, light from darkness. Darkness is simple - it simply isn’t. As an adolescent I used to stay up late. I would draw the curtains for most of the day - I had blackout curtains that sealed the windows. I would sit in silence for hours listening for the emptiness that came after the hum that followed the ringing. I tried to hold it or I wanted it to hold me. I didn’t want to die ( I was one of the few of my peers that wasn’t suicidal) but I wanted the stillness, the calm, the effortlessness, the vacancy of death.
I couldn’t have it.
My eyes remained open.
So I revered the nothing - That great void from which all flows then ebbs. I resented the many tricks that light would play on my empty soul. I set out to destroy, to disrupt, to discredit, to disassemble. Intellect would help me prove that everything is really nothing - I intended to disprove everything.
I broke. Read the rest of this post or comment »

I’ve been investigating the topic of religion, somewhat intensively, for about a year now. I was brought up Roman Catholic but parted when I was about thirteen due to repeated experiences with the discord between the actual and declared intentions of its practitioners. This incongruence seemed to intensify the more I questioned it so I left it alone for a while considering myself mostly atheistic or, at least, not monotheistic. Read the rest of this post or comment »

something about the musical conversation.... I duno. I was talking with jenna about something about the musical conversation and how one must reach past the obstacle that's the instrument to achieve fluency in the musical conversation. i forgot now

Throughout most of my adolescence I suffered one social neurosis that overwhelmed the others. The most ironic of social neuroses, I was spiritually allergic to pot. Not so much to smoking it but to being around those that smoked it. I would flee in panic if my evening buddy would indulge. I'd argue with countless stoners as to the negative effects of weed on their lives - the subtle silent rape of ambition, efficiency, passion, etc... All would respond with lukewarm justifications like, "I'm still functional; I go to work, I pass my classes in school. Read the rest of this post or comment »

I’ve been protecting my volition, never quite letting it mature to a vocation. I’ve been terrified of commiting myself so absolutely and so exclusively to finding meaning in one, single thing when I am aware that existance itself is arbitrary. I feel that I have a world sense and a worldly sensitivity that may be dampered, muted, or lost in specialization, though it seems I have to specialize in order to continue expanding my universe. I don’t quite understand it but somehow it’s a bad thing or, at least, impractical to be bountiful in capacity, prerogative, and pursuit. I do feel tired and disorganized, though. I hesitate and overplan - I’ve been waiting for the conditions to be suitible for all my pursuits to harmonize in a genius chord. But I forget… I must eat. I’ve chosen the city. I feel compelled by the prospect of enlightening others and freeing them from this covert prison. I’ve allowed the idea of responsibility to pervert my clarity. Read the rest of this post or comment »

I've suffered much from anxiety - for many years. As I find myself in a moment of clarity, I decide to start a well overdue list. What are the triggers, the sustainers, crutches, and causes of my anxiety?

First triggers:

• Social situations

• i enter

• i wonder what people think
• i want to show my best
• i feel retarded somehow as my confidence drops
• i eat myself, devour any chance of showing love
Read the rest of this post or comment »

Diego offered a pure, uncontemplated observation, "Jenna gets angry at you like she wants to be single. I've thought so myself. I try to blame it on unresolved adolescent anger, venting of fear, self-loathing, rage, ire. But maybe, as my intuition has led me to suspect many times, she just wants to be single, promiscuous, enchanting, angry, and free*. Read the rest of this post or comment »

I was drinking alot and I did drugs sometimes. I'd get anxious around people or resposibility but I'd have the recourse or the friends with recourse. I knew at one point that it was in my best to stay away from these intoxicants but I wanted to socialize and the drugs/alcohol inebriated the anxiety so I could. Actually, I liked the pills. They would [at the beginning] jet me to a state ,......the state that, otherwise, I struggled to maintain but failed at 7am. I started with discretion that was odd and ended with an odd discretion.

I've spent the last week in relative solitude. My love stayed in NY. I had to come back early to attend a court hearing for a DUI arrest. Fortunately the case turned me out to be simply a wreckless driver with minimal legal consequence beside lite probation, community service duties that I’ll complete happily and fines that suck. I’ve been somewhat enjoying the solitude until it became loneliness yesterday as it was thanksgiving day. I began the day by leaving mommy and her boyfriend at the airport. Then I took a long groggying nap. Then fruitlessly attempted reaching my father. Read the rest of this post or comment »